Ice, Ice-Bergy

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The Titanic museum in Branson, Missouri. This photo op was the closest I came to going inside.

In 2015, I developed an unhealthy obsession with the Titanic.

I’d never actually seen the movie until that summer when I spent the weekend at my Omi’s house. In addition to our usual thrift-shopping/garage-saling and me learning (or attempting to learn) to bake, our hang-out times usually involve a classic movie or two. When I was younger, we would watch Anne of Green Gables, eventually making our way through the entire series. Then right before I moved to Atlanta, we watched Gone with the Wind. And so it seemed only natural that in the summer before I left for Germany we would add Titanic to the list. After all, I needed to see it at some point, and watching it with my Omi seemed like the best possible choice.

Needless to say, the movie that has been proclaimed one of the best films ever produced did not disappoint. I laughed, I cried, and I found myself sucked into the love story despite already knowing the tragic ending. I finally understood why Titanic got and, even 20 years later, continues to get so much hype. It really is a masterpiece. Depressing, yes. But a masterpiece all the same.

My experience of the Titanic did not end with the credits. Fascinated by both the original story and the making of the film, I started compulsively reading trivia and facts on the IMDB page and other fan websites. I found out about the captain, the ship’s architect, the band leader, and all sorts of other real-life characters from the movie. I learned about the ship’s construction and the iceberg that sunk it. I discovered that there really was a Titanic passenger named “J. Dawson”, whose grave in Canada remains one of the most visited (and decorated) by strangers to this day. And I read analyses by self-proclaimed “experts” about how there actually would have been room for Jack on that piece of wood if Rose had simply moved over. And then several hours later with all of this fascinating yet depressing information crammed in my head, I went to bed.

… which proved to be a big mistake.

You see, not only had my waking mind latched onto the Titanic, but apparently my subconscious one had become obsessed with it as well. That night, I had the first of many recurring nightmares about the Titanic. Sometimes, I was trying to hold onto the railings of the bow as it broke in half and sunk. Other times I was running through the ship’s hold as it filled with water. And in still other versions, I simply jumped overboard and hoped to make it. But in all cases, I woke up feeling upset and more than a little bit freaked out. And to make things worse, these dreams lasted not just one night but on and off for several months.

That said, my nightmares probably would have stopped sooner, had it not been for Celine Dion. Because not only could the abnormal amount of Titanic trivia floating around my brain trigger my nightmares, but I started hearing “My Heart will Go On” everywhere. I’m not kidding. For the next several months, I would hear this song or an instrumental version of it at least once a week and sometimes every other day. To be fair, it probably didn’t help that I also listened to playlists of classical music and soundtracks to study for hours at a time. But be that as it was, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that this particular song was following me. And although there are worse stalkers that Celine Dion, I didn’t enjoy the nightmares that frequently accompanied her.

Fortunately, though, my Titanic-induced nightmares eventually faded away, and my sleep patterns finally returned to normal. Hallelujah. But recently, that doomed transatlantic liner has invaded my thoughts again in a relatively indirect, but no less impactful way.

Over the weekend, a dear friend let me know that I had recently behaved in an unkind and hurtful way. When I found this out, I felt awful. Not only had I been a jerk, but in the process I had hurt someone I care about. It’s one thing to do something stupid and harm myself, but it’s a completely different matter when my actions cause pain to another person. No Bueno. Even though after apologizing and receiving forgiveness, the situation and my action have continued to eat at me. And a few days ago, I realized why.

My sin is like that iceberg that sunk the Titanic. And because of that, my friend only saw the tip of a much deeper problem. Pride, selfishness, insecurity, envy, judgement—all these sins and more hide just below the surface of my life. While I’m often able to hide this, and I come off to most people as “nice” and “sweet”, I know the truth about what’s inside of me. My hurtful actions toward him were not an isolated problem, but the product of an iceberg’s worth of ugliness deep inside of me. Jesus recognized this about mankind (and about me) when He said, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19) and “Out of the overflow of the heart a man speaks” (Luke 6:45).

Needless to say, this is a hard pill to swallow, and I don’t particular enjoy being brought face to face with my own sin. But it’s far better than the alternative. You see, ignoring my sin or minimizing it is like not bringing enough lifeboats on the Titanic. It may work for a short time, but in the long run it will prove a tragic and costly oversight. Managing my surface-level symptoms will only go so far. If I really want to be free from own darkness, I need to admit that these sins live in me, and then bring them out into the light. Because try as I might (and try as I have), I can’t melt this iceberg on my own. I need God’s help to have an accurate view of myself and my sin. Though it’s painful and frustrating in the moment, it ultimately results in peace and freedom. This is why 1 John reminds us that “if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. But if we confess our sins, God who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

I have been reminded of this many times recently. While I would have rather not acted hurtfully to begin with, I am grateful that God used even those self-inflicted crummy circumstances to re-teach me a truth about myself, His goodness, and His grace. He sees the complete iceberg of my sin and loves me in spite of it. And together we can chip away at it, until one day this ugliness in me will be no more.

Alright, I’m thirsty and it’s time for a drink break. Ice water, anyone? 😉

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Seen at the ice-sculpting competition in the parking lot of the Branson Titanic Museum. Yes, you read that correctly.

 

A Bit “Wordy”

Words are spiffy.

Yes, I know it sounds a bit nerdy (okay, really nerdy), but I love words. A lot. Like, they make me super happy. I become almost bizarrely excited when I learn a new word. I become even more bizarrely excited when I manage to use that new word correctly in a sentence. Although I enjoy many different words, some of them hold very special places in my heart for various reasons.

Some words are awesome because they are really fun to say. “Onomatopoeia” is the perfect example. For those of you who are a bit removed from your freshman year English class, onomatopoeia (pronounced “on-uh-mat-uh-pee-uh”) is defined as “the formation of a word, as cuckoo  or boom,  by imitation of a sound made by or associated with its referent.” In my opinion, though, onomatopoeia is the best example of onomatopoeia. No, there is no specific action or thing that sounds like this word, but if there were, it would be the coolest thing ever. So I think onomatopoeia should be granted honorary onomatopoeia status.

Others words are cool because of how they are spelled. My current favorite is “awkward”. A “k” surrounded by two “w’s”—don’t you imagine that the “k” feels cramped and out of place? Like he accidentally showed up at the “w” party that he wasn’t invited to and the “w’s” just kind of stare at him like he’s a moron. Or maybe the “k” is on a trans-Atlantic flight, and he got stuck sitting between two oversized letters that are taking his elbow room. I bet he feels awkward. See? The spelling perfectly matches the word. I love it.

Still other words are nifty because of their ability to accurately express their meaning. One of my favorite examples, though, doesn’t come from English. In German, the word for “hug” is “Umarmung” (pronounced “oo-mar-moong”). It literally translates to “around-arming.” And that’s exactly what hugs are! How fun would it be if your friend were to say, “Has it been a rough day? You look like you could use an around-arming.” I think it could catch on. 🙂

Unfortunately, although I definitely have an affinity for words (isn’t “affinity” a cool word, by the way? I thought it deserved a shout out), I don’t always use them correctly. In English class my sophomore year of high school, I wrote an essay about one of my all-time favorite books (the abridged version, at least) Les Miserables by Victor Hugo. I was trying to say how the poor people in France were destitute and had been deprived of the things they needed to survive. So I expressed this idea by calling them “depraved,” which actually means that they were morally corrupt. Although that might have been the case (as the Thenardier family in the story demonstrates), my teacher responded with a big red question mark. Oops.  Recently, I discovered the word “proverbial”, and I now try to use it on a daily basis, but I’m honestly not sure if I use it correctly. But as Abraham Lincoln proverbially said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” A few weeks ago, I realized that stigma and astigmatism are not synonyms. Thus, there cannot be an “astigmatism” associated with being in a sorority. Eye problems are not endemic to Greek life. Ha ha.

My love for words also surfaces in my relationship with God. For example, I enjoy mulling over and pondering the various names of God. Or when I discovered the Greek word Splagchnizomaito, it completely changes my perception of compassion. Overall, the more I learn about the original languages of the Bible and the shades of meaning in the words, the more I am blown away and left completely and utterly in awe of God and who He is.

There is, however, one exception.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be blasphemous, and I don’t want to be excommunicated or burned at the stake as a heretic. But I think there’s one particular instance in the Bible where the word choice wasn’t quite, well, up to par. And unfortunately, this deficient phrase is one of the most common in all of Christianity.

The Good News.

Yes, this the phrase that we use as synonymous with “the Gospel.” The word “Gospel” in the context of Christianity refers to the truth that Jesus Christ—the Son of God and God Himself—came down from heaven, lived a sinless life, and at the age of thirty-three chose to endure the most painful, excruciating, humiliating death on a cross as a replacement for our punishment. In essence, He died so that we could live. But more than that, He rose from the dead three days later, conquering the Devil and Hell and death itself once and for all. He loved us so much that He gave up everything, so we could belong to Him. And we call that “good news”?! Good news? That’s the understatement of eternity! What we really should say is “unbelievable news,” “incredible news,” “earth-shattering news,” or “news so amazing that it deserves to be shouted from the rooftops and proclaimed in every single aspect of our lives.” This isn’t just good news; it’s the news that has the power to change everything. It’s the only news that’s worth your life, your everything. No, “good” doesn’t even scratch the surface.

Today is Easter, which is the holiday when we celebrate Jesus’ victory on our behalf. What better day to pause and ponder what this (grossly understated) Good News actually means.

Yes, I know I just called it the “Good News.” Okay, so maybe “good” isn’t such a terrible description after all. It’s on the right track; it just doesn’t go quite far enough. It’s not just the “Good News;” it’s the BEST NEWS. Nothing, not even onomatopoeia or a really great Umarmung, can compete with that. 🙂